Hi! I’ve resurrected from the dead (returned from my quarterly existential crisis) and I have some things to say. I started a substack with the idea that it would be a fun cute way for me to put my thoughts out and express myself on a platform that doesn’t feel so performative and impossible *cough cough Instagram* but when you are not only a socially anxious perfectionist but also neurodivergent, you find a way to make it all a nightmare for yourself. Since I was a kid I was terrified of too much attention, while wanting to get recognition for my accomplishments. Like how does that even make sense? I think a lot of creative people can relate to this, and in this day and age of social media literally shaping our society, how information is spread, the perception of our lives, and the quantity and quality in which we consume, it is an all-encompassing nightmare.
The fastest way for me to become uninterested or terrified of something is to feel like it’s something I HAVE to do versus wanting to do it. One thing I refuse to do is let myself become a dancing monkey to please the algorithm overlords. I don’t know what the fuck they’re doing to make things so hard to be seen for so many artists and small businesses but it’s depressing and adds to the dystopian feeling of our quality of life. And I don’t want to be a hater (yes I do) but everything is completely oversaturated. I don’t really know how to navigate my feelings towards the unending amount of people vying for success in creative careers. I very much want to shake my fist at the sky and scream “WE HAVE ENOUGH PHOTOGRAPHERS, GRAPHIC DESIGNERS, BLOGGERS, AND PODCASTERS. WE NEED PLUMMERS AND CARPENTERS”. Which, is very true, that meme is spot on. But I also don’t want to shit on people genuinely wanting to express themselves and create a life that makes them happy. We’ve been forced to compete with each other and the algorithm overlords and I know we’re all sick of it. I’ve seen more and more people complain about this and it’s incredibly refreshing and validating. I’d like to believe we can change these things for the better if enough of us are sick of it and refuse to do shit like make reels with the top annoying song of the moment, but that probably won’t happen any time soon. I don’t think I have the energy to get into how useless college is and my personal experience with it, maybe I’ll save that for another tangent, but we all know we have not been set up for success on a foundational level.
All I want is to make art I’m proud of, write things I’m proud of, learn without having a lifetime of debt, to live a life where I’m not financially scrambling all the time. I want to stop putting so much pressure on myself to be perfect and unafraid to be seen by the masses. I straight up just want to have fun again and find joy in things because I haven’t been able to feel those things in a creative manner for like 3 years now. I’m still in the process of dismantling a lifetime of conditioning myself to think things like “If it’s not perfect don’t bother” and “What does my voice or perspective matter in a sea of millions of voices and perspectives”. I know I deserve to be seen and heard as much as anyone else and I deserve to actually enjoy expressing what is inside me without panic or disdain for whether or not other people will care. Genuinely all that matters is if I’m proud of myself and that I’m being honest no matter how uncomfortable that honesty is for me to put out in the world. I know I’m rambling a bit, but I hope this can be a refreshing take for others who are exhausted and at their limit with the online ecosystem. Maybe I’ll get to a point where I’ll be comfortable putting writing out consistently again, that would be sick. I’ll leave you with a nice lil summer playlist I made.
I think you have been taking thoughts right out of my head. I am SO disheartened lately with, in particular, Instagram. If you're a little fish like myself it's impossible to feel seen or heard. I refuse to dance to their algorithm, it's soul sucking. Great post Becca, keep 'em coming!